The Hourglass

Sometimes I wonder what life would have been, could have been. But life is how it should have been. No better, no worse. I think life alone has given me the wonder to suspend my disbelief and let my imagination wander and the mind introspect.

The truth is not on the lips, nor is the writing on the wall. The root of all evil is doubt, and in my mind I have no doubt that what I’m doing today, be as it may against convention and against all tradition, is the roght thing for me to do. I see it causing harm around me, I see it bringing tears and I see it realizing fears. But this is my dream, my life and this is my road, the only road that I’ll ever walk, the only road I’ll ever build and all that walks with me is my faith and my belief. Today, I’ve done what most of you will never do in a lifetime, and many lifetimes after that. I have walked out on two dreams set for me by my parents and I’ve never looked back. If life for me was an hourglass, I have no time for regrets, I have no time for doubt and whatever be the consequences of my actions, and I’ve drawn my sword to fight it.

People around try to point out how much hurt and pain I’m causing, but tell me, can I live a life of pain, regret and disillusionment just to make one happy? Isn’t that against all one lives for? If not, then why live? Today I don’t just exist, I live. You ask me why I have this brash attitude, why this self obsessed arrogance, this sycophancy toward myself and this insanity? I give you one word in answer – reality.

What do you think drives the weak? Is it not the fight for survival? To exist just one more day, to eke out another second from life’s ebbing tide. If the weak are driven by the fight for survival, then I am driven by the fight for existence. I don’t want to live another shelf life, a life born of plans, plans and more plans. Yes, there are certain things I must do to maintain the balance of family, fortune, fame and desire. But of course, home is where the heart is, but where you place your heart finally, is where you build home. For that you can’t be alone. Sometimes, companionship far outweighs the added plusses of being able to get food, shelter and sex wherever and whenever. That’s when the hypnotism of what appears to be your life shatters your notions and the broken glass pieces call on you to rebuild, renovate and re-energize into the universal search for freedom.

I’ve reached a point of no return, nor do I want to return. How did it come to this you ask me, how? The answer’s pretty simple: the hourglass and narcosynthesis of your own mind. I’ve alienated myself at various times from food, shelter and clothing in different extremeties and then alienated the sub sets of these – family, friends and lovers. Call this selfishness and obsessiveness, but it’s worked. Today, I know which of these matter most to me, all three and once you’ve tasted the blood upon your lips, you know the next sip is the sweetest wine.

During the narcosynthesis, everyone hates you for your ideals, everyone looks upon you as vermin and you are left alone. People learn to hate you, they crucisfy your ideals, your thoughts and your actions, you bleed, you bleed endlessly, till you wonder if this experiment is really worth it all, but then you see the sands of time filtering through. That’s when you begin envisioning your future, one that holds your dream in the fragile hourglass and time, time is running out.

It isn’t easy to feel like you’ve laid the kiss of Judas on the cheeks of your near and dear ones, but you must, if you want life to begin making sense. The sins you escape are the sins your detractors commit. Time is the greatest healer as well as the greatest concealer.

Today I walk the path of self-realisation, the journey has only begun, but it’s one that didn’t come easy, didn’t come without sacrifices and didn’t come without emotional dehydration, pain and remorse. But it’s a journey that has taught me one thing, if I never did it this way, I’d never live…